The Great American Coke-Out

I was listening to another provocative edition of the John Tesh radio show recently. Yes, I know I said Wikipedia had surpassed Tesh as my #1 source of information, but it’s not easy to Wiki while driving. You get lots of honks and odd gestures. Which reminds me, my Mom used to have a “Honk If You Love Willie Nelson” bumper sticker on her car. And sometimes people honked! But I digress.

One particular statement from the disseminator of useful information caught my ear. Tesh said drinking just one sweetened soda per day increases your chance of developing diabetes by 75 percent.

Gulp.

My first thought was, I drink like five a day. And that’s the conservative estimate.

Like a Mexican TV dinner, Tesh’s words stuck with me for a couple of days. When I mentioned my five-a-day habit to a co-worker, she looked at me as if she were surprised my head hadn’t yet exploded from the massive consumption of delicious high fructose corn syrup. In other words, blog friends, I’m basically a walking miracle.

I did some checking and found that the 12 ounce Sun Drop, my usual drink of choice, has 49 grams of sugar in it. Which means I was getting 245 grams per day. That’s over half a pound of sugar from soft drinks alone! I might as well just spoon feed it to myself straight out of the bag.

I had a problem and I decided something must be done. Therefore, I proclaimed last Wednesday the start of Bone’s Great American Coke-Out. That’s coke, lower-case, which as we all know refers to any variety of soft drink. Kinda like q-tip, band aid, or K-Y.

The first day went well. I was coke free. Kinda like Lindsay Lohan. Well, kinda like Lindsay Lohan once in awhile anyway. Then Thursday morning, I woke up with a splitting headache. After conferring with some members of my inner circle–which pretty much consists of family, co-workers, and the cute checkout girl at Kroger–it was determined that I was going thru caffeine withdrawals.

I rushed home, drank a Sun Drop, took two Advil, and my headache was gone within twenty minutes. After only 36 hours of the Great American Coke-Out, I was already off the wagon. (Will the Lohan similarities never end?)

Figuring it would be better to wean myself off the caffeine, I decided to have just one coke per day. Surprisingly, it hasn’t been that difficult. The headaches haven’t returned. And I’ve stocked up on water, skim milk, fruit juice, and Crystal Light on the go packets.

I’m not sure what’s next. Perhaps it’s time to analyze my intimate relationship with Little Debbie. Zebra Cakes, Fudge Brownies, Swiss Rolls. And those are just the varieties that are in my kitchen right now.

Geez, I hope Tesh never decides frozen burritos are bad for me.

“I’m hot, sticky sweet, from my head to my feet, yeah…”

…But somebody’s gotta do it

From Seinfeld episode #70, The Lip Reader:
Kramer: “Hey Jerry, do me a favor. The next time you see that lineswoman ask her how those ball boys get those jobs. I would love to be able to do that.”
Jerry: “Kramer, I think perhaps you’ve overlooked one of the key aspects of this activity. It’s ball boys, not ball men. There are no ball men.”
Kramer: “Well, there ought to be ball men.”

Lately, I’ve been considering looking for a new career. Or, as some might say, looking for a career. Obviously, my first choice would be to go from being the unpaid-disseminator-of-three-words to a well-paid-comfortably-living-writer. But what if that doesn’t happen? I don’t want to be sitting around in my mid-30’s playing Nintendo and not knowing what I want to do with my life.

So I’ve been keeping my eyes open, and I’ve discovered there are a ton of fascinating career opportunities out there. And though I’m not quite sure how one would go about obtaining any of these jobs, let’s look at a few now:

Career Option #1: Lindsay Lohan’s driver

I was watching a VH-1 special this morning on the troubles of the voluptuous one. Now as I see it, the majority of Miss Lohan’s legal troubles stem from driving under the influence.

Solution? Stop her from driving. And who better to drive around one of the great, misunderstood thespians of our time than yours truly?

The advantages would be tremendous. I’d live in California, could serve as both her father figure and trusted confidant, and in all likelihood I would be credited with helping to save her career and she would owe me big time.

Career Option #2: Commercial Lobster Fisherman

Last night, I was watching Lobster Wars on Discovery. Now I’ve heard people say this is a dangerous job requiring you to risk your life every single day. Friends, I risk my life everytime I sprint up and down the stairs in my apartment, running from whatever might be chasing me. Believe me, I’ve had a number of close calls!

Besides, not everyone on these boats are leaning over the railing risking their lives, right? I’m sure they have people who remain solidly in the center of the boat. Maybe I could work down in the hull, in the boiler room or something.

Wonder if I could get a note from my Mom. “Bone has a bit of an equilibrium problem. Please excuse him from hanging over the side of the boat and any other activities in which he might possibly die. Also, he dislikes loud noises and sometimes gets a tummy ache after he eats Mexican food.” Wonder if that would work.

Career Option #3: Women’s Pro Beach Volleyball Linesman

I was watching Misty May and Kerri Walsh on TV last weekend when the camera panned to this guy just standing at the corner of the court, signaling whether balls were in or out.

Where do I sign up! I could do that. I’m already sitting here in my underwear eating Doritos watching them. Why not put on my board shorts and watch them in person while getting some sun. Heck I could even apply sunscreen to the girls and get water for them during breaks in the action. I’m nothing if not a multi-tasker.

Don’t discount this idea. Someone is doing this job right now. Why shouldn’t it be me? They wouldn’t even have to pay me.

Career Option #4: Sideline Cord & Wire Untangler

I go to a good number of college football games. Anytime the games are televised, there are several people who follow the camera operators and reporters around on the sidelines, holding their cords and keeping them straight.

I’m not sure what the prerequisites for this job would be, but I’ve always been good at getting shoe laces unknotted. I keep my garden hose coiled nicely when not in use, and I have braided a girl’s hair before, in a standard, three-strand braid.

The benefits to this job would be tremendous. I’d get to travel around the country, take in a little football, and might even bump into Erin Andrews. Again, salary optional.

Career Option #5: Reality TV Show Star

This is probably the most obvious and natural career move for me to make. Here’s the premise of the show. I would play the protege of a big-name celebrity, say for example, Scott Baio. The show could be called something catchy like, oh I don’t know, Scott Baio Is 46 & A Mentor.

Scott would serve as my relationship mentor, with Nicole Eggert starring as my love interest. Since Scott is already unknowingly my relationship mentor, the transition would be seamless. Season one guest stars would include Henry Winkler and Willie Aames. Who wouldn’t watch that!

There you have it, just a few of the career options stretched out before me on that vast horizon known as tomorrow. As you can see, the future looks bright for Bone.

“I study nuclear science. I love my classes. I got a crazy teacher. He wears dark glasses…”