The Great American Coke-Out

I was listening to another provocative edition of the John Tesh radio show recently. Yes, I know I said Wikipedia had surpassed Tesh as my #1 source of information, but it’s not easy to Wiki while driving. You get lots of honks and odd gestures. Which reminds me, my Mom used to have a “Honk If You Love Willie Nelson” bumper sticker on her car. And sometimes people honked! But I digress.

One particular statement from the disseminator of useful information caught my ear. Tesh said drinking just one sweetened soda per day increases your chance of developing diabetes by 75 percent.

Gulp.

My first thought was, I drink like five a day. And that’s the conservative estimate.

Like a Mexican TV dinner, Tesh’s words stuck with me for a couple of days. When I mentioned my five-a-day habit to a co-worker, she looked at me as if she were surprised my head hadn’t yet exploded from the massive consumption of delicious high fructose corn syrup. In other words, blog friends, I’m basically a walking miracle.

I did some checking and found that the 12 ounce Sun Drop, my usual drink of choice, has 49 grams of sugar in it. Which means I was getting 245 grams per day. That’s over half a pound of sugar from soft drinks alone! I might as well just spoon feed it to myself straight out of the bag.

I had a problem and I decided something must be done. Therefore, I proclaimed last Wednesday the start of Bone’s Great American Coke-Out. That’s coke, lower-case, which as we all know refers to any variety of soft drink. Kinda like q-tip, band aid, or K-Y.

The first day went well. I was coke free. Kinda like Lindsay Lohan. Well, kinda like Lindsay Lohan once in awhile anyway. Then Thursday morning, I woke up with a splitting headache. After conferring with some members of my inner circle–which pretty much consists of family, co-workers, and the cute checkout girl at Kroger–it was determined that I was going thru caffeine withdrawals.

I rushed home, drank a Sun Drop, took two Advil, and my headache was gone within twenty minutes. After only 36 hours of the Great American Coke-Out, I was already off the wagon. (Will the Lohan similarities never end?)

Figuring it would be better to wean myself off the caffeine, I decided to have just one coke per day. Surprisingly, it hasn’t been that difficult. The headaches haven’t returned. And I’ve stocked up on water, skim milk, fruit juice, and Crystal Light on the go packets.

I’m not sure what’s next. Perhaps it’s time to analyze my intimate relationship with Little Debbie. Zebra Cakes, Fudge Brownies, Swiss Rolls. And those are just the varieties that are in my kitchen right now.

Geez, I hope Tesh never decides frozen burritos are bad for me.

“I’m hot, sticky sweet, from my head to my feet, yeah…”

I wiki, therefore I am

I love wikipedia. To those who know me well, this comes as no surprise. Sometime during the past year, Wikipedia surpassed SportsCenter, Seinfeld, and John Tesh to become my number one source for information.

Terms spawned by Wikipedia have already become part of our daily vernacular. To wiki means to research or look up a topic on Wikipedia. Past tense, wiki’d. Present participle, wikiing. Plural form, wikies or wiki’s.

Then, of course, there are other less known terms still waiting to make their way into common dialect. Terms like wikilicious, which is used to describe a fascinating, surprising, or otherwise extraordinary fact unearthed within the pages of Wikipedia.

Example:
“Did you know that Tom Wopat appeared in the Broadway revival of David Mamet’s Pulitzer Prize-winning play Glengarry Glen Ross?”
“Wow! That’s wikilicious!.”

I wiki most everything. Some days I spend indiscriminate amounts of time wikiing just for fun. Like last week, I wiki’d Jordache, you know, hoping for some sign that they may be coming back in style.

Here is what I learned about Jordache: “The brand is known for its designer jeans that were popular in the late 1970s.”

Late seventies? I was wearing Jordache jeans in 1986 like they were going out of style! Which apparently, they were.

I’m not sure from whence my Wikipedia fascination comes. Perhaps it stems from the fact that we never had a complete and current set of encyclopedias when I was growing up. Dad’s World Books were the 1959 edition.

Then I remember sometime in the 80’s, Winn Dixie began selling encyclopedias. Ah yes, could there be a better plan? There’s no place like your local supermarket to get your reference materials from.

You could buy a different volume every week or two. So Mom would buy them when she went grocery shopping. Then one week, she forgot, so we missed a volume. Then another. Long story short, in the end I could do a report on any topic as long as it didn’t begin with a D, G, J-K, M, S, or W,X,Y,Z.

On top of that, they weren’t World Books. Or even Encyclopedia Brittanicas. They were Funk & Wagnalls. Sounds more like a bad 70’s band than an encyclopedia.

Or perhaps my fascination with Wikipedia and seemingly useless information is inherited. After all, I remember Dad spending countless hours every day in the bathroom reading his World Books. So in a way, when I’m wikiing, I’m only carrying on a family tradition.

Here’s to Dad, the sanctity of a man’s bathroom, and those who spend twenty hours a day editing Wikipedia. Oh, and also to John Tesh. You had a good run, but it’s over, man.

Happy wikiing!

“My ergonomic keyboard never leaves me bored. Shopping online for deals on some writable media. I edit Wikipedia…”