Holy candy, Batman!

It’s that time of the year again! Time for Halloween. And while your newspapers, TV stations, and schools may be flooded with things like Halloween safety tips and other nonsense, Bone is bringing you information you can use. Today I present Bone’s Halloween Candy Tips For Kids.

After all, Halloween is not about ghosts, or pumpkins, or the Devil. It’s about candy, and Jamie Lee Curtis. The word halloween comes from hallowed, which means holy, and weenie, which when you’re a kid tastes just as good as candy. So basically, Halloween means “holy candy.”

So here we go, kids. And by kids, I don’t mean fifteen year old girls who put on a flannel shirt and call themselves hobos. First of all, flannel is coming back someday, and I’ll be ready when it does. Second of all, if you’re old enough to bear children and legally drive a motorcycle, you’re old enough to buy your own candy.

Tip #1: Quality Over Quantity
While your goal starting out the evening is to fill up your bag(s) with candy, remember this: Every piece of crap candy in your bag means less room for the good stuff.

Make a mental note of houses that give out good candy, and conversely, those that give out things like toothbrushes and pencils with a little ribbon around them. Um, it’s frickin’ November, lady. I’ve had my school supplies since August, but thanks anyway. Oh and by the way, don’t look for me next year. This house has officially been blacklisted.

Know your ‘hoods and maximize your time. You only have a few hours one night a year to amass as much candy as possible. If there are only two good houses in a neighborhood of twenty homes, don’t waste your time. Skip it, and double up on the good houses.

Chances are, they won’t remember you’ve already been there earlier in the night. Plus, people like giving away candy. It makes them feel good. So by going to the same house three times in one night, you’re making them feel three times as good.

Tip #2: All Fruit Is Bad
Few things are more disappointing in the life of a child than having a bulbous apple or orange dropped into his or her Halloween bag. Actually, I can’t think of anything worse.

Back in my trick-or-treating days, my initial thought upon receiving fruit was always the same, Gee thanks. Could I have a can of spinach, as well? And while I’m here, maybe I could recite my multiplication tables for you.

Fruit is bad, no matter what the doctor and your parents say. (Remember these are the same people who give you shots and make you go to school.) Besides its non-sugary taste, fruit is quite heavy and weighs down your bag. Get rid of it as soon as possible, perhaps by slipping it inside your sister’s bag when she isn’t looking.

And if your parents try to object to you throwing fruit away, just tell them a scary lady with nine cats gave it to you and told you it was a very special kind of apple that she made just for you. That should do the trick.

Tip #3: Choose A Practical Costume
While the thirty dollar Harry Potter costume with the plastic mask might look great, chances are you’ll wind up spending half your night tripping over the legs, retying strings, and stepping in holes because you can’t see very well out of those tiny eye slits.

I recommend no mask at all. Some face paint or whiskers drawn on will work just fine. If people ask what you’re supposed to be, just act really sad/confused/shy and say, “I don’t know. Mom said we couldn’t afford a real costume.” And if necessary, start crying. Remember you’re out there to get candy, not win a beauty pageant.

Tip #4: Travel alone
I have no hard evidence to back this up, but I believe that you receive more candy on average if you trick-or-treat by yourself than if you go with other people. I base my theory on two principles.

First, the candy allocators might feel sorry for a kid who is having to trick-or-treat alone.

Second, look at it like this. If a homeless person came to my door asking for money, I might give them $20. But if five homeless people came to my door at the same time, would I give them all $20? Of course not. I would instead not answer the door and pretend I wasn’t home.

Summary:
In closing, let me say that every town is a little different. You have to figure out and implement the best strategy for your area. The bottom line is this: Once you realize trick-or-treating is a logical, methodical process of collecting candy and not just haphazardly going around to random houses, you’ll be eating Reese’s Cups and Mini 3 Musketeers well into early December.

“Candy on the beach, there’s nothing better. But I like candy when it’s wrapped in a sweater…”