(Pseudo) Weekend Recap

Someone suggested that I follow my most recent post with something lighthearted. So I decided to recap my very busy weekend, reprising a feature we like to call Bone’s Pseudo Weekend Recap.

Friday, I was at the CDC all day. (Insert funny comment about my rash here.) For those of you unfamiliar with this term, CDC stands for the Centers for Disease Control. Except I wasn’t at their DC headquarters. They have an underground annex at NORAD. For those of you unfamiliar with this term, NORAD stands for… No… Overseas… uh… Actually, you know what? I believe that’s all classified information. So I had to fly to Colorado. I had volunteered to be the first human test patient for a new bird flu vaccine. It wasn’t too bad. And there’s only about a 30% chance that it could actually develop into full blown bird flu. Easiest fifty bucks I ever made.

Saturday, I spent most of the day at Cape Canaveral. NASA enlisted me as an advisor on the Pluto mission. The way they see it, landing a space probe on Pluto is pretty much like hitting a sparrow with a bottle rocket. And since I’m one of the few people who’s actually done just that, they asked for my input. By the way, you didn’t hear this from me, but don’t get your hopes up on this whole thing. You might have heard the launch was postponed yesterday. Why? It was windy. And you can’t accurately shoot bottle rockets when it’s windy. Trust me.

And finally on Sunday, I participated in my first ever NFL game, filling in for one of the Indianapolis Colts offensive linemen. It was great fun mixing it up with the Steeler guys play after play. Kimo von Oelhoffen, Joey Porter, and those guys. Joey even pulled the old “Hey, is that Jennifer Aniston” trick on me. I can’t believe I fell for that one. You know how it goes. As I’m standing there peering into the stands looking to catch a glimpse of Jen, he blows past me to sack our quarterback, Peyton Manning. And I’m sure you heard what our quarterback said after the game. Something to the effect of, “I’m trying to be a good teammate here… let’s just say we had some problems with protection.” Hey, prima donna! I’m not the one with the 3-6 career playoff record! Maybe you can get your daddy to force the Colts to trade your entire offensive line. Besides, I’m only 185 pounds. Plus, I think I might be coming down with something. Give me a break.

As you can see, it was quite the weekend. All this, not to mention my continuing responsibilities and duties as a key member of Team Aniston.

“I was dreaming when I wrote this. Forgive me if it goes astray…”