Buffer zone, please!

Blogging away while eating microwaved Chef Boyardee spaghetti & meatballs for my supper at 11:30 at night. This, my friends, is the life…

Saw Walk The Line tonight. I thoroughly enjoyed it. While Joaquin was Johnny almost from the start, I just kept seeing Reese Witherspoon rather than June up there. Make sense? But I think maybe that has more to do with the fact that I am so much more familiar with Johnny Cash and how he’s supposed to look and sound, and know little about June. Anyway, it completely kept my interest. Never found myself wondering how much longer until it’s over, which to me, is the simplest way to judge if I think a movie is good or not.

So went my second trip into a theater in 2005. I really like the filmstrip roller coaster they show before the movie. Do you have that where you are? And as far as the previews, Munich looks enticing.

Well, that wasn’t the entire story. You may remember the proper restroom etiquette post I did just a few weeks ago. Well, it has come to my attention that a related post needs to be done on proper theater etiquette. That’s right friends, the complex interworkings of homophobic male relationships don’t end once we zip up and exit the friendly confines of the men’s room.

So I’ll just get right into it. I met a friend at the theater tonight. I walked in and sat down in the third seat from the aisle. This was carefully pre-planned so that he would be able to skip one seat between us and sit on the end. But did he? No. He crowded under me like a newborn puppy does to its mother. He sat right next to me! This is wrong! Two guys should never sit side-by-side in a less-than-full theater. It’s just abnormal. Not to mention less than 100% hetero. I thought about moving, but for some reason didn’t. I don’t want to be the one who has to tell him about proper theater etiquette. He’s in his 30’s. He should know this by now. What are we teaching our kids in school?

So what do you do? You skip a seat. It’s called a buffer zone. It’s really quite simple when you think about it. For example, if we had been at my place, sitting on the couch watching TV, would we sit right next to each other? Of course not. We’d sit on opposite ends. Maybe even with a pillow in between. Why? Because there is little, if anything, more awkward in the life of heterosexual man than for his hand to accidentally come in contact with the hand of another man. If and when that ever happens, both parties feel extremely awkward and uncomfortable. Not a word is said. It must never be spoken of by either of you in any context ever again. And it may take several minutes, even an hour or more, to put it behind you. To prove my point on all of this, two guys came into the theater and sat two rows in front of us, leaving a seat between them. And you thought it was just me.

On a similar note, if you’re double-dating at the movies, you don’t sit girl-guy-guy-girl. You sit guy-girl-girl-guy. This is so that the girls can chat, giggle, and plan when to go to the bathroom together. And also… there’s a 0.001% chance they might… kiss.

After the movie, I stopped at the restroom. Two urinals. Both open. I take the one on the left. Midstream, some guy comes in and, you guessed it, sets up shop right next to me, with at least five perfectly good enclosed stalls available.

In the name of all things hetero, has the whole world gone mad?!

“Why are you so far away, she said. Why won’t you ever know that I’m in love with you? I’m in love with you…”

Buffer zone, please!

Blogging away while eating microwaved Chef Boyardee spaghetti & meatballs for my supper at 11:30 at night. This, my friends, is the life…

Saw Walk The Line tonight. I thoroughly enjoyed it. While Joaquin was Johnny almost from the start, I just kept seeing Reese Witherspoon rather than June up there. Make sense? But I think maybe that has more to do with the fact that I am so much more familiar with Johnny Cash and how he’s supposed to look and sound, and know little about June. Anyway, it completely kept my interest. Never found myself wondering how much longer until it’s over, which to me, is the simplest way to judge if I think a movie is good or not.

So went my second trip into a theater in 2005. I really like the filmstrip roller coaster they show before the movie. Do you have that where you are? And as far as the previews, Munich looks enticing.

Well, that wasn’t the entire story. You may remember the proper restroom etiquette post I did just a few weeks ago. Well, it has come to my attention that a related post needs to be done on proper theater etiquette. That’s right friends, the complex interworkings of homophobic male relationships don’t end once we zip up and exit the friendly confines of the men’s room.

So I’ll just get right into it. I met a friend at the theater tonight. I walked in and sat down in the third seat from the aisle. This was carefully pre-planned so that he would be able to skip one seat between us and sit on the end. But did he? No. He crowded under me like a newborn puppy does to its mother. He sat right next to me! This is wrong! Two guys should never sit side-by-side in a less-than-full theater. It’s just abnormal. Not to mention less than 100% hetero. I thought about moving, but for some reason didn’t. I don’t want to be the one who has to tell him about proper theater etiquette. He’s in his 30’s. He should know this by now. What are we teaching our kids in school?

So what do you do? You skip a seat. It’s called a buffer zone. It’s really quite simple when you think about it. For example, if we had been at my place, sitting on the couch watching TV, would we sit right next to each other? Of course not. We’d sit on opposite ends. Maybe even with a pillow in between. Why? Because there is little, if anything, more awkward in the life of heterosexual man than for his hand to accidentally come in contact with the hand of another man. If and when that ever happens, both parties feel extremely awkward and uncomfortable. Not a word is said. It must never be spoken of by either of you in any context ever again. And it may take several minutes, even an hour or more, to put it behind you. To prove my point on all of this, two guys came into the theater and sat two rows in front of us, leaving a seat between them. And you thought it was just me.

On a similar note, if you’re double-dating at the movies, you don’t sit girl-guy-guy-girl. You sit guy-girl-girl-guy. This is so that the girls can chat, giggle, and plan when to go to the bathroom together. And also… there’s a 0.001% chance they might… kiss.

After the movie, I stopped at the restroom. Two urinals. Both open. I take the one on the left. Midstream, some guy comes in and, you guessed it, sets up shop right next to me, with at least five perfectly good enclosed stalls available.

In the name of all things hetero, has the whole world gone mad?!

“Why are you so far away, she said. Why won’t you ever know that I’m in love with you? I’m in love with you…”

Me and Janeane Garofalo

Can I make the uninteresting seem interesting? We shall see, as I recap a bit of my weekend…

I went to the mall Christmas shopping Friday. While in Dillards, there was just one girl and me in a particular section of the store, albeit on opposite sides. We were nowhere near each other, probably at least fifty feet apart. She had a little Janeane Garofalo thing going on. From that distance anyway. So a saleslady, who had sort of a Janet Reno thing going on, came out and asked Janeane if we needed help with anything. Janeane mumbled something back, prompting Janet to say, “Oh, I thought you two were together.” That was a nice three seconds.

Then, while at the Hickory Farms stand just minutes later, the same thing happened again, with a different girl. She was at one end looking at cheese balls or spreads or something, and the clerk was trying to help her. Meanwhile, I was circling round and round the stand like it was the city of Jericho. Well, after a couple times around, he said something to her and then looked at me and said, “Oh I thought you were with him.” So apparently, I look like I should be married. Or at least coupling. Or shopping with a girl. Or something.

Later that night, I stopped by a friend’s to hang out for a bit. There are two entrances to his house, the front door and a side door in the garage. I always go to the front door. So he opened the wooden door and just sort of stood there staring at the screen door, finally saying, “I think the door is broken. You can try to open it if you want.” I pressed the handle and pulled a couple of times. Nothing. It was stuck. So I told him I’d just go to the garage door. Well, I stood outside the garage, waiting to hear the familiar hum of an electric garage door opener. What I heard instead was some banging around on the other side of the door. Then what I saw was the garage door slowly opening with two hands underneath, manually pulling it up. Suddenly, I heard something catch and the door stopped, about 18 inches off the ground. Then I heard a voice say, “Can you get in under there?” By this time, I was laughing out loud. I was thinking, dude, I’m not crawling face-first on your garage floor to get into your house. I’ll just come back later. We finally got it open, but he said he didn’t think he’d be able to get it closed again. It’s a fairly nice neighborhood, too. Or, was.

That was pretty much my Friday. And the story of my friend, the shut-in. Did more shopping Saturday and Sunday. It’s coming so fast. Still have to write and send my Christmas cards and send out evites to my Festivus party. I did finally put my tree up Sunday. It has lights, but no balls. Yet.

“What brings a man to his knees is often brought on by himself. If a second chance were offered, and she could love me like before, I’d go back to the end and start over again, on 12/12/84…”

Me and Janeane Garofalo

Can I make the uninteresting seem interesting? We shall see, as I recap a bit of my weekend…

I went to the mall Christmas shopping Friday. While in Dillards, there was just one girl and me in a particular section of the store, albeit on opposite sides. We were nowhere near each other, probably at least fifty feet apart. She had a little Janeane Garofalo thing going on. From that distance anyway. So a saleslady, who had sort of a Janet Reno thing going on, came out and asked Janeane if we needed help with anything. Janeane mumbled something back, prompting Janet to say, “Oh, I thought you two were together.” That was a nice three seconds.

Then, while at the Hickory Farms stand just minutes later, the same thing happened again, with a different girl. She was at one end looking at cheese balls or spreads or something, and the clerk was trying to help her. Meanwhile, I was circling round and round the stand like it was the city of Jericho. Well, after a couple times around, he said something to her and then looked at me and said, “Oh I thought you were with him.” So apparently, I look like I should be married. Or at least coupling. Or shopping with a girl. Or something.

Later that night, I stopped by a friend’s to hang out for a bit. There are two entrances to his house, the front door and a side door in the garage. I always go to the front door. So he opened the wooden door and just sort of stood there staring at the screen door, finally saying, “I think the door is broken. You can try to open it if you want.” I pressed the handle and pulled a couple of times. Nothing. It was stuck. So I told him I’d just go to the garage door. Well, I stood outside the garage, waiting to hear the familiar hum of an electric garage door opener. What I heard instead was some banging around on the other side of the door. Then what I saw was the garage door slowly opening with two hands underneath, manually pulling it up. Suddenly, I heard something catch and the door stopped, about 18 inches off the ground. Then I heard a voice say, “Can you get in under there?” By this time, I was laughing out loud. I was thinking, dude, I’m not crawling face-first on your garage floor to get into your house. I’ll just come back later. We finally got it open, but he said he didn’t think he’d be able to get it closed again. It’s a fairly nice neighborhood, too. Or, was.

That was pretty much my Friday. And the story of my friend, the shut-in. Did more shopping Saturday and Sunday. It’s coming so fast. Still have to write and send my Christmas cards and send out evites to my Festivus party. I did finally put my tree up Sunday. It has lights, but no balls. Yet.

“What brings a man to his knees is often brought on by himself. If a second chance were offered, and she could love me like before, I’d go back to the end and start over again, on 12/12/84…”

Where do you prefer it?

“We like women. We want women. But that’s pretty much as far as we’ve thought. That’s why we’re honking car horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas we’ve had so far.” – Jerry Seinfeld, I’m Telling You For The Last Time

Dig, if you will, the picture…
A lone runner strides around a track, just before dusk, circa 2005. The track runs the perimeter of a local park. The runner sees a female approaching from the opposite direction. He has seen her here before. She also runs. And possesses many of the qualities prized by superficial man. They exchange smiles and a breathless “Hi” as they pass. A short time later, they both arrive back at their cars at the same time, thanks to some clever planning and a well-timed cool-down walk. What happens next?

This post was born from my convenience store post, and several of the comments which followed. I was a little freaked out that the clerk at the store asked me out. Then a few of you gave examples where you experienced something similar, and were also a bit freaked out.

At the track, I have been faced with this scenario several times. I think to myself, first of all, she’s cute. Second of all, we have at least one thing in common. Then I always question whether or not it is appropriate. I mean, there are times people just want to be left alone, right? Plus, I have an acquired aversion to mace. So where is it OK to meet someone?

And let’s not even count clubs. We all know about that. Besides, most of us can all pick up a less-than-sober femme. One problem with that is that once she sobers up, i.e. the next day, more times than not, she’s not quite as enamored with you anymore. On the other hand, I am sure there are places that are definitely off-limits for such activity. Funerals, the gynecologist… “Say, this baby will be out in two more months, and you’ll be looking slim and trim again. Wanna have dinner next February? Can you get a sitter?” Not apropos, I’m guessing?

Meanwhile, as I recently discovered, the grocery store seems to be a good place to meet girls. There are lots of aisles, therefore more chances to bump into each other. Lots of squeezing and feeling going on in the produce section. Or maybe I just think it’s a good place because there is almost always a very favorable female-to-male ratio there.

And don’t forget about my friend who was kissed by her pest control guy. And what about work? Dating co-workers, an employee, your boss or supervisor? Off-limits, awkward, or OK?

Was chatting with another friend the other night. I mentioned how I find it odd that so many people are looking for someone, yet… so many people are still looking for someone. Make sense? And she mentioned how there are so many thousands of people on singles sites and dating sites, but where are they in the real world? Do they all just stay inside in front of the computer all day everyday? Well, a good number do, I’m sure. In their Mom’s basement. But most of them live somewhat normal lives. They work, they go to school, they run, they walk, they shop.

So I’m asking ladies, because while the Seinfeld bit I quoted is humorous, there is quite a bit of truth to it. Where to you prefer to be asked out/hit on? I would like to hear your thoughts and ideas on the topic. And what places and situations would make you feel awkward?

RSVP. My clock is ticking. Until then, I’ll be over in fruits and vegetables feeling melons…

“We were walkin’ ‘long the ocean, together hand in hand, when I stopped to write I love you in the sand. When I looked up you were standin’ ten miles out to sea. In a sweat, I woke up from that crazy dream…”

Where do you prefer it?

“We like women. We want women. But that’s pretty much as far as we’ve thought. That’s why we’re honking car horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas we’ve had so far.” – Jerry Seinfeld, I’m Telling You For The Last Time

Dig, if you will, the picture…
A lone runner strides around a track, just before dusk, circa 2005. The track runs the perimeter of a local park. The runner sees a female approaching from the opposite direction. He has seen her here before. She also runs. And possesses many of the qualities prized by superficial man. They exchange smiles and a breathless “Hi” as they pass. A short time later, they both arrive back at their cars at the same time, thanks to some clever planning and a well-timed cool-down walk. What happens next?

This post was born from my convenience store post, and several of the comments which followed. I was a little freaked out that the clerk at the store asked me out. Then a few of you gave examples where you experienced something similar, and were also a bit freaked out.

At the track, I have been faced with this scenario several times. I think to myself, first of all, she’s cute. Second of all, we have at least one thing in common. Then I always question whether or not it is appropriate. I mean, there are times people just want to be left alone, right? Plus, I have an acquired aversion to mace. So where is it OK to meet someone?

And let’s not even count clubs. We all know about that. Besides, most of us can all pick up a less-than-sober femme. One problem with that is that once she sobers up, i.e. the next day, more times than not, she’s not quite as enamored with you anymore. On the other hand, I am sure there are places that are definitely off-limits for such activity. Funerals, the gynecologist… “Say, this baby will be out in two more months, and you’ll be looking slim and trim again. Wanna have dinner next February? Can you get a sitter?” Not apropos, I’m guessing?

Meanwhile, as I recently discovered, the grocery store seems to be a good place to meet girls. There are lots of aisles, therefore more chances to bump into each other. Lots of squeezing and feeling going on in the produce section. Or maybe I just think it’s a good place because there is almost always a very favorable female-to-male ratio there.

And don’t forget about my friend who was kissed by her pest control guy. And what about work? Dating co-workers, an employee, your boss or supervisor? Off-limits, awkward, or OK?

Was chatting with another friend the other night. I mentioned how I find it odd that so many people are looking for someone, yet… so many people are still looking for someone. Make sense? And she mentioned how there are so many thousands of people on singles sites and dating sites, but where are they in the real world? Do they all just stay inside in front of the computer all day everyday? Well, a good number do, I’m sure. In their Mom’s basement. But most of them live somewhat normal lives. They work, they go to school, they run, they walk, they shop.

So I’m asking ladies, because while the Seinfeld bit I quoted is humorous, there is quite a bit of truth to it. Where to you prefer to be asked out/hit on? I would like to hear your thoughts and ideas on the topic. And what places and situations would make you feel awkward?

RSVP. My clock is ticking. Until then, I’ll be over in fruits and vegetables feeling melons…

“We were walkin’ ‘long the ocean, together hand in hand, when I stopped to write I love you in the sand. When I looked up you were standin’ ten miles out to sea. In a sweat, I woke up from that crazy dream…”

Thursday Thirteen #2

Thirteen Things from the mind of Bone…

1. Sometimes I wonder if I’m the only guy on the face of the planet who does the Thursday 13.

2. I went to K-Mart last night to look for a Festivus pole, but I didn’t find any. Someone told me they’d seen them there, but now I wonder if they were just yanking my chain.

3. The Festivus poles online are like $40 plus shipping.

4. To me, that in itself goes against the anti-commercialization premise that Festivus was founded upon.

5. I think the party will be interesting. I have different groups of friends that are pretty much kept separate. This will be the first time they’re all together. Worlds will be colliding.

6. Tuesday night, I watched more TV than I have in a long time. I watched A Charlie Brown Christmas. Then that new show about the female President. That was pretty good. Then the General Hospital replay on SoapNet. Then Seinfeld on TBS.

7. It was “The Gymnast” episode of Seinfeld. George’s girlfriend’s mother catches him eating out of the trash can. Then he comes out of the bathroom with his shirt off in front of everyone, because “it frees me up, no encumbrances.”

8. I like to feel unencumbered as well, but that’s all I’m going to say about that. Anything more would probably be way TMI.

9. I nicked myself shaving yesterday. Was chatting with someone about that this morning. Is it really the best idea to shave first thing in the morning? I mean, I’m barely awake, I’m stubbing my toe, bumping into doorways… Yeah, seems like a good time to run a sharp blade back and forth several times just millimeters from my jugular.

9. I bought Martha Stewart wrapping paper and a pack of candy canes at K-Mart last night. My only Christmas purchases thusfar this year, besides my Christmas cards. Which I still haven’t addressed, by the way.

10. The bathrooms are still out of order at work. Random insert: Since the last time I um, released, I’ve had 16 ounces of chocolate milk and 12 ounces of Mountain Dew. I’ve been going home everyday at lunch just to evacuate my system.

11. I wish it would snow here. A lot of bloggers are writing about it snowing. I wish it’d snow enough here to make a snowman and snow cream. Does anyone else know what snow cream is?

12. I have been looking online for jobs in Nashville and Dallas this week, for some reason.

13. I would love to write for a living. Not sure I could ever write a novel. But perhaps a column. Or short stories.

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

1. Jennifer
2. Jen
3. Sallwood
4. Coyote Mike
5. Interstellar Lass
6. TC
7. Renee
8. (leave your link in the comments, and I’ll add you here!)

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

“I don’t know the answer to the easy way she opened every door in my mind. But dreamin’ was as easy as believin’ it was never gonna end. And lovin’ her was easier than anything I’ll ever do again…”

Thursday Thirteen #2

Thirteen Things from the mind of Bone…

1. Sometimes I wonder if I’m the only guy on the face of the planet who does the Thursday 13.

2. I went to K-Mart last night to look for a Festivus pole, but I didn’t find any. Someone told me they’d seen them there, but now I wonder if they were just yanking my chain.

3. The Festivus poles online are like $40 plus shipping.

4. To me, that in itself goes against the anti-commercialization premise that Festivus was founded upon.

5. I think the party will be interesting. I have different groups of friends that are pretty much kept separate. This will be the first time they’re all together. Worlds will be colliding.

6. Tuesday night, I watched more TV than I have in a long time. I watched A Charlie Brown Christmas. Then that new show about the female President. That was pretty good. Then the General Hospital replay on SoapNet. Then Seinfeld on TBS.

7. It was “The Gymnast” episode of Seinfeld. George’s girlfriend’s mother catches him eating out of the trash can. Then he comes out of the bathroom with his shirt off in front of everyone, because “it frees me up, no encumbrances.”

8. I like to feel unencumbered as well, but that’s all I’m going to say about that. Anything more would probably be way TMI.

9. I nicked myself shaving yesterday. Was chatting with someone about that this morning. Is it really the best idea to shave first thing in the morning? I mean, I’m barely awake, I’m stubbing my toe, bumping into doorways… Yeah, seems like a good time to run a sharp blade back and forth several times just millimeters from my jugular.

9. I bought Martha Stewart wrapping paper and a pack of candy canes at K-Mart last night. My only Christmas purchases thusfar this year, besides my Christmas cards. Which I still haven’t addressed, by the way.

10. The bathrooms are still out of order at work. Random insert: Since the last time I um, released, I’ve had 16 ounces of chocolate milk and 12 ounces of Mountain Dew. I’ve been going home everyday at lunch just to evacuate my system.

11. I wish it would snow here. A lot of bloggers are writing about it snowing. I wish it’d snow enough here to make a snowman and snow cream. Does anyone else know what snow cream is?

12. I have been looking online for jobs in Nashville and Dallas this week, for some reason.

13. I would love to write for a living. Not sure I could ever write a novel. But perhaps a column. Or short stories.

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

1. Jennifer
2. Jen
3. Sallwood
4. Coyote Mike
5. Interstellar Lass
6. TC
7. Renee
8. (leave your link in the comments, and I’ll add you here!)

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

“I don’t know the answer to the easy way she opened every door in my mind. But dreamin’ was as easy as believin’ it was never gonna end. And lovin’ her was easier than anything I’ll ever do again…”

My Kingdom for a Throne?

I hope you all made it through the big blogspot outage last night OK. Early reports include only a few scattered suicides. Although quite a few computers were destroyed beyond repair. It served as a reminder to me to back up my stuff. Sitting there last night, without any blogs to surf, I was really feeling confused and disoriented, like a little boy waking up in the morning at Neverland. I tried to remember what I did before blogs. Ended up going to bed around 10:30, earlier than I have in months and months.

Someday I might be married. Someday I might have kids. But at 4:30 yesterday, I was standing at the ironing board, dressed in boxers, socks, and a long-sleeved black shirt that I’d worn to work. And those things seemed a million miles away. So I began to ponder, why is the ironing board tapered on one end? I never use the small end. Always the wide end. I mean, you can’t slip a pant leg on there. I don’t think. Someone later told me that it was for the shoulders of shirts or something. Really? It’s hard for me to grasp that the entire ironing board design was altered just so that our shoulders wouldn’t be wrinkled. Why not include a couple of extendable prongs on the wide end that we can slip a pair of pants on, and iron them more easily? I detest ironing. I find it tedious and painstaking.

Yesterday morning at work, there was water standing in the front office. I thought the roof might have leaked, as it is prone to do here in the compound. Turns out one of the toilets was leaking. Ugh. We have two bathrooms at work, so the secretary told me that the right one was leaking, so we could only use the one on the left. Then around 1:00 yesterday afternoon, she comes in and tells us that it turns out the line is stopped up outside, so we can no longer use either of the bathrooms for the rest of the day. As she told us, I was just finishing the Mountain Dew I’d had with lunch. As I screwed the top on it, I said, “Well I guess I’ll save my bottle then.” The ladies got a big laugh out of that. The restrooms are still out of order today!! Such is life here at Branch Davidian East.

Got into a conversation last night with a female about this topic:
Me: “Women can’t pee into a bottle, can they?”
Her: “No.”
Me: “So you have no control over it?”
Her: “No, it just goes everywhere. Have you never seen a woman pee?”
(Aha! Let’s see you stand and not hit the seat.)
Me: “Only on the internet.”
Her: “On the internet?”
Me: “I’m kidding.”
Her: “That’s why when we have to pee in a cup at the doctor’s office, it always gets on our hand.”
Me: “You can’t just stick the bottle right up to where it comes out?”
Her: “I’m not really sure exactly where it comes out.”
Me: “Really?”
Her: “Maybe if it was one of those wide-mouth Aquafina bottles. Hey, do you want to hear a really horrible story that I’ve never told anyone?”
(Now who’s gonna say no to that? Nah, keep it to yourself!)

So, ladies, I must say that from what I know, I’ve come to the conclusion that when it comes to urinating, men definitely have the advantage. The only advantage I see to being a woman in this department is that all your stalls in public restrooms are divided. Well, as far as I know anyway. So give us our due. You may be the fairer sex. OK, let’s face it, you are. By far. You’re better at asking for directions. Better at matching socks and just matching outfits in general. Probably better at remembering dates and such. You look much better in lingerie (although this guy might not think so). And I’m sure the list could go on and on.

But today I must stake this claim. Men are number one, when it comes to… well, number one.

One day I shall look back upon this post with great pride, I am sure. Right now, I have to go. No, I really have to go…

“All I want to do is see you again. Is that too much to ask for? I just want to see your sweet smile, smiled the way it was before…”

My Kingdom for a Throne?

I hope you all made it through the big blogspot outage last night OK. Early reports include only a few scattered suicides. Although quite a few computers were destroyed beyond repair. It served as a reminder to me to back up my stuff. Sitting there last night, without any blogs to surf, I was really feeling confused and disoriented, like a little boy waking up in the morning at Neverland. I tried to remember what I did before blogs. Ended up going to bed around 10:30, earlier than I have in months and months.

Someday I might be married. Someday I might have kids. But at 4:30 yesterday, I was standing at the ironing board, dressed in boxers, socks, and a long-sleeved black shirt that I’d worn to work. And those things seemed a million miles away. So I began to ponder, why is the ironing board tapered on one end? I never use the small end. Always the wide end. I mean, you can’t slip a pant leg on there. I don’t think. Someone later told me that it was for the shoulders of shirts or something. Really? It’s hard for me to grasp that the entire ironing board design was altered just so that our shoulders wouldn’t be wrinkled. Why not include a couple of extendable prongs on the wide end that we can slip a pair of pants on, and iron them more easily? I detest ironing. I find it tedious and painstaking.

Yesterday morning at work, there was water standing in the front office. I thought the roof might have leaked, as it is prone to do here in the compound. Turns out one of the toilets was leaking. Ugh. We have two bathrooms at work, so the secretary told me that the right one was leaking, so we could only use the one on the left. Then around 1:00 yesterday afternoon, she comes in and tells us that it turns out the line is stopped up outside, so we can no longer use either of the bathrooms for the rest of the day. As she told us, I was just finishing the Mountain Dew I’d had with lunch. As I screwed the top on it, I said, “Well I guess I’ll save my bottle then.” The ladies got a big laugh out of that. The restrooms are still out of order today!! Such is life here at Branch Davidian East.

Got into a conversation last night with a female about this topic:
Me: “Women can’t pee into a bottle, can they?”
Her: “No.”
Me: “So you have no control over it?”
Her: “No, it just goes everywhere. Have you never seen a woman pee?”
(Aha! Let’s see you stand and not hit the seat.)
Me: “Only on the internet.”
Her: “On the internet?”
Me: “I’m kidding.”
Her: “That’s why when we have to pee in a cup at the doctor’s office, it always gets on our hand.”
Me: “You can’t just stick the bottle right up to where it comes out?”
Her: “I’m not really sure exactly where it comes out.”
Me: “Really?”
Her: “Maybe if it was one of those wide-mouth Aquafina bottles. Hey, do you want to hear a really horrible story that I’ve never told anyone?”
(Now who’s gonna say no to that? Nah, keep it to yourself!)

So, ladies, I must say that from what I know, I’ve come to the conclusion that when it comes to urinating, men definitely have the advantage. The only advantage I see to being a woman in this department is that all your stalls in public restrooms are divided. Well, as far as I know anyway. So give us our due. You may be the fairer sex. OK, let’s face it, you are. By far. You’re better at asking for directions. Better at matching socks and just matching outfits in general. Probably better at remembering dates and such. You look much better in lingerie (although this guy might not think so). And I’m sure the list could go on and on.

But today I must stake this claim. Men are number one, when it comes to… well, number one.

One day I shall look back upon this post with great pride, I am sure. Right now, I have to go. No, I really have to go…

“All I want to do is see you again. Is that too much to ask for? I just want to see your sweet smile, smiled the way it was before…”