Festivus At Bone’s!

When the search words on your website stats begin to include things like “festivus the human fund card,” “festivus feats of strength,” and “festivus dinner,” that can only mean one thing. That’s right! You blog entirely too much about Seinfeld. Um, wait, no. That’s not where I was going. That can only mean one thing… Festivus is not far away!

That’s right fans of non-commercial, non-religious holidays. A Festivus for the rest of us is just around the corner. So get the aluminum pole out of the crawlspace, get those Human Fund cards ready to send out, and think of all the ways your family and friends have disappointed you over the past year. After all, that’s what Festivus is all about.

And this year, for the first time ever, I will be officially celebrating Festivus. I am proud to present Bone’s First Annual Festivus Party, Friday, December 23rd, 7:00 PM, at Bone’s Bachelor Bordello, aka “the place to be.” That’s right. The wheels are in motion. I’m really gonna do it! And you’re all invited! It’s gonna be bigger than the Newmanium party! Although I think it’s probably too late to book Christopher Cross. (OK, actually it probably isn’t too late, but nonetheless.)

I am planning to hand out Airing of Grievance worksheets and Feats of Strength challenge cards at the door. I will begin the Festivus dinner by reading a short account of the origin of the holiday, including quotes from the father of Festivus, Frank Costanza. As of right now, I am planning on serving pizza for the Festivus dinner. I think that will suffice as a non-traditional holiday food. After dinner snacks will include Pez, Twix, and Junior Mints.

For entertainment, I will be showing “The Strike” episode of Seinfeld, which of course features Festivus. We might also be playing games, such as Scrabble (“quone”), Risk (“Ukraine is weak”), and Battleship (but you have to make the explosion sound when your ship gets sunk). Other possibilities include a rock-paper-scissors tournament. And if the weather isn’t too cold, we might try to get up a game of frolf. (No, we’re not gonna have a contest. Sorry. Maybe next year. I’ll try to have a few Glamour magazines on hand.)

The celebration will end with a bang, as two lucky Festivites will participate in Feats of Strength. A friend was asking me the other day who will be taking part in the Feats of Strength this year. Well, that can’t be determined until everyone fills out their challenge cards. But one thing is for sure, Festivus is not officially over until someone has been pinned!

I am planning on sending out my evites sometime this week. Email me if you need directions to my place. I am only really allotted two parking spaces, so if some of you could ride together, um yeah, that would be great. Please wear no clothing with Christmas colors in them. And there will be no singing of Christmas carols or other holiday songs. Unless Kyle gets drunk and starts singing the dreidel song again.

So whether you’re a marine biologist or an architect, whether your a high-talker or a close-talker, whether you’re fake handicap or just a phony, I encourage you all to join with Seinfeld fans from Del Boca Vista to The Hamptons in celebrating this great holiday this year. Would love to hear suggestions and ideas from those celebrating this year and those who have celebrated Festivus in the past.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go fill my freezer with my own blood…

“Swiss Colony beef log, baby, that’s what Christmas is all about. Roly-poly Colony beef log, baby, makes a young boy scream and shout…”