Back To School?

In the early days of the 21st century, our story begins. Although the internet was thriving with billions and billions of pages for surfers to browse, something was missing. Many sites were simply uninteresting, many were rarely or never updated, but it was more than that. There was some indefinable quality that seemed to be lacking. The blogging phenomenon of the late 1900’s had clearly peaked and was beginning to languish. Many predicted blogging would soon go the way of Netscape, binary files, and the Bill Gates Microsoft tracking software email. Bloggers everywhere were depressed. Many had already given up and terminated their beloved blogs. Just when all hope seemed lost, from beneath the kudzu in the farmlands of Alabama, a lone blogger appeared. Equipped with only his keyboard and a torn and tattered Roget’s thesaurus, he began the blogging revolution, saying those words that will forever live on in blogging annals, “Take up your keyboards, and follow me!”

Wow, some schools around here are already starting. I tell you what, if I was a kid going back to school in July, I’d be ticked off. What’s up with that? They need to boycott. What are they gonna do, expel everyone? You must stay strong children. Remember, “Donna Martin graduates! Donna Martin graduates!”

Hey, did anyone see the new Foxworthy show last night? I was at practice, so I didn’t get to see it. I’m sure Kyle probably watched. He’s all about some Larry the Cable Guy. What? Yesterday, I napped for about two hours after work. It was much needed. After practice last night, I went by Jacks and got some dinner to bring home. Watched a little bit of the Dem Convention. Looks like the weekend might actually afford some free time for a change. Lately, I’ve been busier than airport security at Baghdad International, so a relaxing weekend will be welcomed. I’m thinking about maybe heading down to Kinlock at some point, if I can get a couple more people to go. It’s this little swimming hole and waterfall out in the forest, about an hour drive for me. You can slide down the falls, jump off rocks of varying heights, etc. Basically, some good down home Alabama fun.

Well, it has been awhile since we’ve done this, but I thought it was time to bring back an old favorite here on If You Read Only One Blog This Year. So here it is, another fun-filled, TMI edition of More About Bone Than You Wanted To Know:

When I was younger, living at home and everything, sometimes when I would come home to an empty house, especially at night, I would get scared that someone was in the house. So, in order to deter any criminals that might be lurking inside, I would talk really loud and say something random like, “Hurry up and bring the groceries in” or “Did ya’ll like that movie?” My strategy was to fool any possible cat burglar into thinking there were several people there, not just me. Well, it apparently worked, because I never got robbed. So any burglars must have been frightened and quickly crawled out a window or something. Either that, or no one was ever in the house in the first place. Whichever. And this has been More About Bone Than You Wanted To Know.

Have a great weekend, all!

“I know you know we’ve had some good times. Now they have their own hiding place. I can promise you tomorrow, but I can’t buy back yesterday…”

Back To School?

In the early days of the 21st century, our story begins. Although the internet was thriving with billions and billions of pages for surfers to browse, something was missing. Many sites were simply uninteresting, many were rarely or never updated, but it was more than that. There was some indefinable quality that seemed to be lacking. The blogging phenomenon of the late 1900’s had clearly peaked and was beginning to languish. Many predicted blogging would soon go the way of Netscape, binary files, and the Bill Gates Microsoft tracking software email. Bloggers everywhere were depressed. Many had already given up and terminated their beloved blogs. Just when all hope seemed lost, from beneath the kudzu in the farmlands of Alabama, a lone blogger appeared. Equipped with only his keyboard and a torn and tattered Roget’s thesaurus, he began the blogging revolution, saying those words that will forever live on in blogging annals, “Take up your keyboards, and follow me!”

Wow, some schools around here are already starting. I tell you what, if I was a kid going back to school in July, I’d be ticked off. What’s up with that? They need to boycott. What are they gonna do, expel everyone? You must stay strong children. Remember, “Donna Martin graduates! Donna Martin graduates!”

Hey, did anyone see the new Foxworthy show last night? I was at practice, so I didn’t get to see it. I’m sure Kyle probably watched. He’s all about some Larry the Cable Guy. What? Yesterday, I napped for about two hours after work. It was much needed. After practice last night, I went by Jacks and got some dinner to bring home. Watched a little bit of the Dem Convention. Looks like the weekend might actually afford some free time for a change. Lately, I’ve been busier than airport security at Baghdad International, so a relaxing weekend will be welcomed. I’m thinking about maybe heading down to Kinlock at some point, if I can get a couple more people to go. It’s this little swimming hole and waterfall out in the forest, about an hour drive for me. You can slide down the falls, jump off rocks of varying heights, etc. Basically, some good down home Alabama fun.

Well, it has been awhile since we’ve done this, but I thought it was time to bring back an old favorite here on If You Read Only One Blog This Year. So here it is, another fun-filled, TMI edition of More About Bone Than You Wanted To Know:

When I was younger, living at home and everything, sometimes when I would come home to an empty house, especially at night, I would get scared that someone was in the house. So, in order to deter any criminals that might be lurking inside, I would talk really loud and say something random like, “Hurry up and bring the groceries in” or “Did ya’ll like that movie?” My strategy was to fool any possible cat burglar into thinking there were several people there, not just me. Well, it apparently worked, because I never got robbed. So any burglars must have been frightened and quickly crawled out a window or something. Either that, or no one was ever in the house in the first place. Whichever. And this has been More About Bone Than You Wanted To Know.

Have a great weekend, all!

“I know you know we’ve had some good times. Now they have their own hiding place. I can promise you tomorrow, but I can’t buy back yesterday…”

In The News

I really enjoy posting these news stories and then trying to come up with a humorous little line about each one, even though I’m sure what I come up with is probably not nearly as funny to you as it is to me here in my brain.

Miss America Pageant Eliminates Talent Competition

Well, I’m not even going to watch it if there’s no talent portion. What? I am reminded of a Seinfeld, when Jerry dates Miss Rhode Island. Her talent is magic with some birds. So the night before at the hotel, some birds are keep Jerry and George awake, so he gets up and pours some water on them and it kills them.

Foreign Strippers Must Bare All To Enter Canada

And there we have it, ladies and gentlemen, the latest buzz-word for 2004: stripper-immigrants. Wow!

Woman Trashes Car She Thought Was Her Husband’s

Oops! And you thought you had a psycho on your hands.

Thong Wearers Arrested At Wal-Mart

See? That right there is why I don’t like thongs.

“If we can’t find a way out of these problems, then maybe we don’t need this. Standing face to face, enemies at war, we build defenses, and secret hiding places. I might need you to hold me tonight. I might need you to make it all right. I might need you to make the first stand, because tonight I’m finding it hard to be your man…”

In The News

I really enjoy posting these news stories and then trying to come up with a humorous little line about each one, even though I’m sure what I come up with is probably not nearly as funny to you as it is to me here in my brain.

Miss America Pageant Eliminates Talent Competition

Well, I’m not even going to watch it if there’s no talent portion. What? I am reminded of a Seinfeld, when Jerry dates Miss Rhode Island. Her talent is magic with some birds. So the night before at the hotel, some birds are keep Jerry and George awake, so he gets up and pours some water on them and it kills them.

Foreign Strippers Must Bare All To Enter Canada

And there we have it, ladies and gentlemen, the latest buzz-word for 2004: stripper-immigrants. Wow!

Woman Trashes Car She Thought Was Her Husband’s

Oops! And you thought you had a psycho on your hands.

Thong Wearers Arrested At Wal-Mart

See? That right there is why I don’t like thongs.

“If we can’t find a way out of these problems, then maybe we don’t need this. Standing face to face, enemies at war, we build defenses, and secret hiding places. I might need you to hold me tonight. I might need you to make it all right. I might need you to make the first stand, because tonight I’m finding it hard to be your man…”

Fast Food, Hotties, and Moops

If you think chewing gum with Lloyd Braun would be an ideal way to pass the time, then this blog’s for you…

I was preparing to eat my Jeno’s pizza for supper last night when it hit me. I think one of the main reasons men decide to get married is because they are sick of eating fast food. Seriously. I’m tired of it. And it can’t be very healthy. I think you just reach a point where you can’t eat anymore. So that’s where I am. Maybe this sounds a bit sexist, but I don’t intend it that way. I don’t mind cooking, but it’s just not the most practical thing to cook for one. Too much leftover or thrown away. Plus, I only know how to cook a few things. I guess the old saying is true, the way to a man’s heart, etc. And now I’m hungry ;-) For lunch today, what else? Arby’s. Chicken, bacon, & swiss sandwich and curly fries. Eh, I guess fast food isn’t that bad. Besides, it’s not fast food. It’s good food quickly, right Seth?

Well, we’ve got practice tonight, if it doesn’t rain. The weather has been great the last day or two. This is the time of year when I really miss my Jeep. Man. Those were the days, riding around with two or three chicks, top down, radio up. Or just riding around by myself, whichever. What? I haven’t had time to work on my bike lately. Something is puncturing the rear tire, and I think it’s something on the wheel, but I’ve been so busy, I haven’t had time to look at it. Looks like my dreams of Tour de France glory in 2005 may be put on hold.

OK, in closing, someone apparently was offended by my use of the word “hottie” in a recent bloglet. I was just wondering what you think about this, girls especially. Although I have heard girls refer to guys as hotties as well. One girl I dated one time didn’t care for the term “babe” or “babes” either. I suppose it’s similar to that. But when I use the term “hottie”, I simply mean a very attractive girl, similar to saying “cutie.” So I was just wondering what you thought about it.

The Bubble Boy was on last night, a very famous ep, no doubt. One of my favorite parts is when George is playing Trivial Pursuit with the Bubble Boy and there is a misprint on the card:
G: “Oh nooooo. I’m sorry. The correct answer is Moops.”
BB: “Moops? Let me see that. That’s not moops, you jerk. It’s Moors! It’s a misprint.”
G: “I’m sorry, but the card says Moops.”
BB: “It doesn’t matter. It’s Moors. There’s no Moops.”
G: “It’s Moops.”
BB: “Moors.”
G: “Help. Someone.”
BB: “Say Moors! Say Moors!”
G: “Moops!”
Susan: “Stop it! Let go of him.”
BB: “I’m gonna kill him!”
“Psssssssssssss” (as the bubble deflates) ROFL

“Confessin’ all our secrets and laughin’ out loud, so high up on that mountain, I thought we’d never come down. It was a dream we were livin’ in. I was the happiest I’d ever been…”

Fast Food, Hotties, and Moops

If you think chewing gum with Lloyd Braun would be an ideal way to pass the time, then this blog’s for you…

I was preparing to eat my Jeno’s pizza for supper last night when it hit me. I think one of the main reasons men decide to get married is because they are sick of eating fast food. Seriously. I’m tired of it. And it can’t be very healthy. I think you just reach a point where you can’t eat anymore. So that’s where I am. Maybe this sounds a bit sexist, but I don’t intend it that way. I don’t mind cooking, but it’s just not the most practical thing to cook for one. Too much leftover or thrown away. Plus, I only know how to cook a few things. I guess the old saying is true, the way to a man’s heart, etc. And now I’m hungry ;-) For lunch today, what else? Arby’s. Chicken, bacon, & swiss sandwich and curly fries. Eh, I guess fast food isn’t that bad. Besides, it’s not fast food. It’s good food quickly, right Seth?

Well, we’ve got practice tonight, if it doesn’t rain. The weather has been great the last day or two. This is the time of year when I really miss my Jeep. Man. Those were the days, riding around with two or three chicks, top down, radio up. Or just riding around by myself, whichever. What? I haven’t had time to work on my bike lately. Something is puncturing the rear tire, and I think it’s something on the wheel, but I’ve been so busy, I haven’t had time to look at it. Looks like my dreams of Tour de France glory in 2005 may be put on hold.

OK, in closing, someone apparently was offended by my use of the word “hottie” in a recent bloglet. I was just wondering what you think about this, girls especially. Although I have heard girls refer to guys as hotties as well. One girl I dated one time didn’t care for the term “babe” or “babes” either. I suppose it’s similar to that. But when I use the term “hottie”, I simply mean a very attractive girl, similar to saying “cutie.” So I was just wondering what you thought about it.

The Bubble Boy was on last night, a very famous ep, no doubt. One of my favorite parts is when George is playing Trivial Pursuit with the Bubble Boy and there is a misprint on the card:

G: “Oh nooooo. I’m sorry. The correct answer is Moops.”

BB: “Moops? Let me see that. That’s not moops, you jerk. It’s Moors! It’s a misprint.”

G: “I’m sorry, but the card says Moops.”

BB: “It doesn’t matter. It’s Moors. There’s no Moops.”

G: “It’s Moops.”

BB: “Moors.”

G: “Help. Someone.”

BB: “Say Moors! Say Moors!”

G: “Moops!”

Susan: “Stop it! Let go of him.”

BB: “I’m gonna kill him!”

“Psssssssssssss” (as the bubble deflates) ROFL

“Confessin’ all our secrets and laughin’ out loud, so high up on that mountain, I thought we’d never come down. It was a dream we were livin’ in. I was the happiest I’d ever been…”

The Jimmy

Just snapping into a Slim Jim, pondering what changes I need to make to my play-calling in NCAA 2005…

Mmmm… spicy beef jerky. I find it to be the most sensual of the salted, cured meats. “Swiss colony beef log, baby, makes a young boy scream and shout…”

Well, practice went OK last night. It has already become obvious that my shoulder is gonna be a problem all year though. (sigh) I try not to throw hard in practice, and just save it for the games, but it still hurts. Oh well. I’m still lookin’ forward to the season. I think we’ll be decent. Worried a little bit about our pitching, but we’ll see. There was this hottie who was walking the track last night. I guess she must’ve made at least four or five laps. I think it was distracting everyone. On an unrelated note, I got the most sleep I’ve gotten in four days last night, about six hours. I needed it though. My head hurt all day yesterday after I didn’t get to sleep until 2 AM Tuesday morning. So I’m up to 18.5 hours the past four nights. Woohoo! I feel so refreshed, like a phoenix, rising out of Arizona.

Mom has this funny way of being nosy. First of all, I am a pretty private person when it comes to my dating life. I just prefer to keep most of those things to myself, as you can probably tell if you read my blog very often. I mean, it’s no big deal though. If you want to know something, just ask, and I’ll tell you. Anyhow, yesterday she was like, “What did you have for supper last night?” I said, “I went to the Mexican restaurant.” She was like, “By yourself?” That’s how she always does. Of course I didn’t go by myself. I’m not eating out in a restaurant by myself like some psychotic loner… unless maybe it’s Applebees where the waitresses are gonna end up coming and sitting and chatting anyway.

I was asked the other day why I seem to remain friends with many of my ex-girlfriends. That is a very good question, one that I’ll have to ponder for awhile. I’ll get back to you on that ;-)

“The Jimmy” was on last night, definitely a top 25 ep, IMO. I think many of us have experienced a shower that didn’t take. And this is the first ep where George begins referring to himself in the third person, imitating Jimmy:
J: “Don’t you see what’s happened, he couldn’t talk , he’s wearing these shoes, he’s drooling.”
K. “What!?”
E: “He thinks you’re mentally challenged!!”
J (thinking that it is entirely possible): “Well…you know.”
E: “Well, what happens when you show up? He’ll see that you’re not.”
J: “Not necessarily, because…”

J: “You took a shower.”
G: “It didn’t take. Ten minutes from now, I’ll be sweating all over again. I can feel it. I’m a human heat pump!”
K: “You should take cold showers.”
G: “Cold showers? They’re for psychotics.”
K: “Well I take ’em.” ROFL

E: “Do any of you guys know that blonde guy at the health club who’s always on the exercise bike? You know, he’s really handsome?”
G: “I wouldn’t know.”
E: “You know, just admitting a man is handsome doesn’t necessarily make you a homosexual.”
G: “It doesn’t help.”

Then Jerry thinks he has been violated while under the gas at the dentist.
J: “I don’t know, but I was spitting out and rinsing like there was no tomorrow.” :-D

“Friends, get scattered by the wind, tossed upon the waves, lost for years on end. Friends, slowly drift apart. They give away their hearts, maybe call you now and then…”

The Jimmy

Just snapping into a Slim Jim, pondering what changes I need to make to my play-calling in NCAA 2005…

Mmmm… spicy beef jerky. I find it to be the most sensual of the salted, cured meats. “Swiss colony beef log, baby, makes a young boy scream and shout…”

Well, practice went OK last night. It has already become obvious that my shoulder is gonna be a problem all year though. (sigh) I try not to throw hard in practice, and just save it for the games, but it still hurts. Oh well. I’m still lookin’ forward to the season. I think we’ll be decent. Worried a little bit about our pitching, but we’ll see. There was this hottie who was walking the track last night. I guess she must’ve made at least four or five laps. I think it was distracting everyone. On an unrelated note, I got the most sleep I’ve gotten in four days last night, about six hours. I needed it though. My head hurt all day yesterday after I didn’t get to sleep until 2 AM Tuesday morning. So I’m up to 18.5 hours the past four nights. Woohoo! I feel so refreshed, like a phoenix, rising out of Arizona.

Mom has this funny way of being nosy. First of all, I am a pretty private person when it comes to my dating life. I just prefer to keep most of those things to myself, as you can probably tell if you read my blog very often. I mean, it’s no big deal though. If you want to know something, just ask, and I’ll tell you. Anyhow, yesterday she was like, “What did you have for supper last night?” I said, “I went to the Mexican restaurant.” She was like, “By yourself?” That’s how she always does. Of course I didn’t go by myself. I’m not eating out in a restaurant by myself like some psychotic loner… unless maybe it’s Applebees where the waitresses are gonna end up coming and sitting and chatting anyway.

I was asked the other day why I seem to remain friends with many of my ex-girlfriends. That is a very good question, one that I’ll have to ponder for awhile. I’ll get back to you on that ;-)

“The Jimmy” was on last night, definitely a top 25 ep, IMO. I think many of us have experienced a shower that didn’t take. And this is the first ep where George begins referring to himself in the third person, imitating Jimmy:

J: “Don’t you see what’s happened, he couldn’t talk , he’s wearing these shoes, he’s drooling.”

K. “What!?”

E: “He thinks you’re mentally challenged!!”

J (thinking that it is entirely possible): “Well…you know.”

E: “Well, what happens when you show up? He’ll see that you’re not.”

J: “Not necessarily, because…”

J: “You took a shower.”

G: “It didn’t take. Ten minutes from now, I’ll be sweating all over again. I can feel it. I’m a human heat pump!”

K: “You should take cold showers.”

G: “Cold showers? They’re for psychotics.”

K: “Well I take ’em.” ROFL

E: “Do any of you guys know that blonde guy at the health club who’s always on the exercise bike? You know, he’s really handsome?”

G: “I wouldn’t know.”

E: “You know, just admitting a man is handsome doesn’t necessarily make you a homosexual.”

G: “It doesn’t help.”

Then Jerry thinks he has been violated while under the gas at the dentist.

J: “I don’t know, but I was spitting out and rinsing like there was no tomorrow.” :-D

“Friends, get scattered by the wind, tossed upon the waves, lost for years on end. Friends, slowly drift apart. They give away their hearts, maybe call you now and then…”

Trading spouses?

No, my bloglet title is not referring to some swinger porn video, starring Buck Naked, although I suppose it could be. It refers to the latest so-called “reality” show on TV. Now, as the flag-bearer for anti-reality viewers everywhere, you might not expect this to be coming from me. Yes, I still believe the success of reality shows only reflects what sad, empty lives many people lead. (Same thing with those people who ALWAYS seem to be online. Oh wait, what?) BUT, I watched a few minutes of this show the past couple of nights, and those people were cracking me up. It was actually pretty entertaining. Plus, it’s not making a mockery of marriage, or midgets, or ugly people, or anything like that, far as I can tell. I only got to watch it for about fifteen minutes last night because I had to leave for softball practice. My favorite line was when the guy said, “Why we can’t have no chicken wings?” ROFL WOOOOOOOOO!!

I have talked to several others who are watching this show as well. Mom was like, “I think this is gonna be my new favorite show. Well, besides Nick and Jessica.” Oh, please help us. What makes these shows so addicting to people? I really think sometimes if Nick and Jessica are fighting or were to break up, it would literally affect some people in their day-to-day lives. Seriouslah.

In other news, I received a porn IM a little while ago…
singscam25341: im thinking about being a porn star.. can u take a look at me on my webcam and tell me if i look good enough? MyPage.r8.org
jstowry: oh wow, i’d have to say no. maybe you could be a body double though

Other random funniness:
(an email homophone funny)
“Some guy had to nearly undress to get thru the medal detector.”
“They’re detecting Olympic athletes now?”

(an intraoffice funny)
“Well, we’ve got adobe on our thingy.”

“It’s hard to bite my lip, but I ain’t saying a word. I give you all the rope to hang yourself that you deserve. You might be ahead of me in her heart today, but that’s okay…”

Trading spouses?

No, my bloglet title is not referring to some swinger porn video, starring Buck Naked, although I suppose it could be. It refers to the latest so-called “reality” show on TV. Now, as the flag-bearer for anti-reality viewers everywhere, you might not expect this to be coming from me. Yes, I still believe the success of reality shows only reflects what sad, empty lives many people lead. (Same thing with those people who ALWAYS seem to be online. Oh wait, what?) BUT, I watched a few minutes of this show the past couple of nights, and those people were cracking me up. It was actually pretty entertaining. Plus, it’s not making a mockery of marriage, or midgets, or ugly people, or anything like that, far as I can tell. I only got to watch it for about fifteen minutes last night because I had to leave for softball practice. My favorite line was when the guy said, “Why we can’t have no chicken wings?” ROFL WOOOOOOOOO!!

I have talked to several others who are watching this show as well. Mom was like, “I think this is gonna be my new favorite show. Well, besides Nick and Jessica.” Oh, please help us. What makes these shows so addicting to people? I really think sometimes if Nick and Jessica are fighting or were to break up, it would literally affect some people in their day-to-day lives. Seriouslah.

In other news, I received a porn IM a little while ago…

singscam25341: im thinking about being a porn star.. can u take a look at me on my webcam and tell me if i look good enough? MyPage.r8.org

jstowry: oh wow, i’d have to say no. maybe you could be a body double though

Other random funniness:

(an email homophone funny)

“Some guy had to nearly undress to get thru the medal detector.”

“They’re detecting Olympic athletes now?”

(an intraoffice funny)

“Well, we’ve got adobe on our thingy.”

“It’s hard to bite my lip, but I ain’t saying a word. I give you all the rope to hang yourself that you deserve. You might be ahead of me in her heart today, but that’s okay…”